Why I came back to graduate school

This will be a rather personal post. Earlier this year I made the choice to return to graduate school. I'm damn lucky to even have this choice to make, of course. That fact added a level of pressure to get the decision right.

I had left the Master's program the previous year after completing eight months, and all my courses. I felt, then, entirely at odds with the lifestyle, ineffectual and useless in any research directions, generally disconnected from the activities that keep me sane and feeling worthwhile. Looking back, I was probably also very burnt out after an intense summer season of farm work, and an even more intense semester of school work. It was an incredibly tough eight months.

So why have I come back? (and why did I not choose to continue my farming path, or doing other work with more obvious direct impact?). Here is what I wrote in my journal late last year:

• I'm interested in the subject area. My guts are just put together this way I guess.
• My work here may or may not have impact, but to some extent the same can be said of any work.
• I believe, or want to believe, in the academic process -- that the impact from it can be great ("blue sky" v.s. applied research).
• I will get insight by direct experience as to how research works and the academic culture. I hope to answer the question of whether I fit with research work, and if research work fits with me.
• I'll get the chance to inspire other CS students and researchers to be more socially relevant. I'll join a, hopefully, curious community and bring with me a different perspective and set of experiences which I hope will be of some benefit.
• My work or research may lead me to other worthwhile work which I'm unaware of now.
• It's a steady job and a familiar lifestyle from which I can explore other jobs and lifestyles.

Generally, it came down to dropping my expectations. I wrote out these points to summarise:

• A master's thesis that doesn't have direct impact does not preclude doing work that does (either alongside my thesis work, or eventually).
• My time here may have unforeseeable positive impact in the future, or it may turn me on to more relevant research or work.
• Or I may achieve nothing other than spending a few months learning about how other interesting people live.

Finally, with all of that said, I know myself better than to think it would be enough just to realise these things. I wrote down a list of things that I was worried about, and would need to be conscious of -- a list of things I knew I had to be prepared for:

• I am in an environment (and a place: UofT) which holds many of my old habits; habits that I no longer find helpful, or like. Being back means having to work to change these habits. Again.
• I'm signing up for an indoor, contemplative life. Not the outdoor, action-oriented life I'm used to now. I need a balance, and I'll have to work really hard to get it because this won't be the norm here.
• Balance also in my work: both to my research and to other, exploratory work/jobs, and direct-action work. My volunteer and activism work is immediately satisfying and keeps me tethered to sense of reality.
• Self-esteem. I'm signing up for work that will/may challenge my skill, diligence, and (as a result) ego. I will need to work hard (the easy part) and work smart (less easy, hopefully I'll learn this) and be supportive of myself (even less easy, but I know how to do this much better now).